


1. The secret is...clarity

by Qtya



Series: Music wrote it into the soul [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:34:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qtya/pseuds/Qtya
Summary: Confusion leads to heartbreakSo...making everything clear leads to.....?





	1. The secret is...clarity

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Let's Go Largo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10753869) by [Myoneloveismusic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myoneloveismusic/pseuds/Myoneloveismusic). 
  * Inspired by [Let's Go Largo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10753869) by [Myoneloveismusic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myoneloveismusic/pseuds/Myoneloveismusic). 



> This is God-oh-no-why-o'clock here. Which means I can hardly see out of my head. Sorry for mistakes. 
> 
> Enjoy this candy of mine, made with love, not perfect, but has a few good points! :) 
> 
> Music:  
> Keane - Somewhere Only We Know

 

 

 _I walked across an empty land_  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river and it made me complete

 

 

Tim landed softly on the rooftop, and after nearing it's edge, stared out to the dark water, over the dock's mess. His eyes kept going, until the barely visible horizon.

His face was mostly expressionless, not mirroring his mind's strange meandering at all.

 

He felt calm, but it was only for this moment. He was finally alone, so at least he could think, but...calm didn't mean satisfied or happy.

 

The salty, polluted wind from this part of the city danced around him weakly, and Tim shook his head slowly.

 

Why couldn't life be simple?

At least....sometimes....when he needed that the most......?

 

His eyes didn't move from the darkness, the lazy waves of the water, the water's moving more like a guess than a visible thing out there, that far.

He didn't care about the city's lights dancing on the water, closer to the shore. He wanted that blackness.

 

Gotham's noises still surrounded him, even this far from the busy parts of the city, a such not-too-late hour of the evening wasn't ever a quite thing anywhere there.

But it didn't matter.

 

Tim's soul was in tune with the water's night.

  
 __  
Oh simple thing where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

 

 

Tim was tired of all the mess his life kept throwing onto him.

  
The weight of it was...well, honestly, not too much, cause he would never be able to say such a thing.

But the fight he had to keep fighting, _ **no matter what**_....it was exhausting....

 

He would never admit this. Never.

 

He'd come too far away on his very own chosen road. And he had done everything as perfectly as it had been possible during all that time.

So he would not give it all up.

 

He was a perfectionist. He knew. And he lived in peace with that!

 

And it was a struggle, of course.....

 

 

During his whole life he had fought to....prove his point: he hadn't been a burden! He could be useful! Or at least not a nuisance.

 

 

Tim Drake could be...more.

 

These days he felt more....at peace with himself.

It was good.

 

But all the things he had done to reach this point? And all the shit he had to do still?

It took its toll on him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason was an exception.

 

Had been.

 

Always.

 

As Robin, he had been the one to open Tim's eyes to a whole new world.   
As an enemy, he had been the one to teach Tim how can caring about someone hurt much, much more, than any wounds caused by nasty fights. And how can it end up being impossible, to stop craving something...hopeless.

As the black sheep of the family, he had been the one to show them _all_ how can one **always** see things differently. And scream into their faces his version....

 

It was still painful to admit, especially for someone like Tim, how many times it had helped them to get better.....

Still did, these days.

 

Building up...a thing (not even friendship or a bond of adopted brothers who did vigilantism instead of baseball) between them had been a task, which had been doomed from the start.

Tim had done it still.

 

He still counted it as one of his biggest achievements. Ever.

 

 

 

He had been the one to ask out the other. Much, much later. After a crazy mission, which had caused Batman to loose a Batmobile, Dick to loose some hair thanks to a fire, and both Tim and Jason to learn each other's movements in a fight – without seeing each other clearly.

Tim still shivered at the memory, how easy it had been to slip into a strange pattern, so fucked-up at first because if their differences, and then..so perfect, so deadly efficient, so....beautiful. Their movements interwove so pliantly, like two lover's caressing hands while making love.

Jason had disappeared for two weeks.

 

He had been the one to still try and reach out, and talk and convince, destroy doubts and the hate which blossomed thanks to the doubts.

 

He had been the one to hunt.

 

Hunt down the one he had wanted so much.

 

 

Every time Jason had pushed him away, Tim had searched with even more passion for a way to get closer.

 

Sometimes they had good days.

Sometimes they had really shitty days.

 

This day was a hellhole.

Jason had had an accident in the morning. Nothing major, but he could have been injured seriously if not for his luck. Thanks to that, he had had a giant shouting match with Bruce.

(*I can't belive that getting better at _living_ like a _normal_ human being is so beyond you!*  
*Really? Let me tell you something then, So Normal Creature, who spends half of his time in a cave among bats! Probably coming back from the grave makes many things „being so beyond me!”*)  
It had been a low blow.

 

Jason had stormed away, not listening to anyone, not waiting for anyone (Tim) and Tim hadn't been able to find him for hours.

 

 

 

 

They had reached a level as...two-guys-who-hadn't-dated-officially (sadly, the not-official aspect wasn't much better at all, still), that Jason had never tried to hurt Tim. Not even when he had been mad with anger. Or pain.

No, Jason hadn't done anything like an attack.

Not even a real argument had happened between them, after Tim had made it semi-official, between the two of them, that they had became „us”, instead of just „you and I”.

 

Nothing like that could have happened, because Jason had never stayed close enough for such a thing.

The closest thing to that had been a messy evening. Jason had come to the Manor with Tim, where Damian -and Dick- had successfully dragged him into an argument. Jason had left, but Tim had been able to follow him back to their apartment (even if that had meant stealing one of Bruce's, or more correctly: Brucie's trophy bikes).

It had been a pathetic event, it could have fit into a TV show, a comedy, so bad it makes everyone uncomfortable with pity....  
Jason had been throwing his things into a duffel bag, while Tim had been screaming at him, pulling him back from packing, pushing (foolish attempts) him away from his things, then actually throwing the bag across the room, making various weapons and clothes and a few books fly everywhere....Jason had stared with dark, burning eyes after them, then he simply had turned to leave without anything.

Tim had grabbed him, pulling him back again, just like in a pathetic TV show...only to be left with a jacket, and a door slammed closed behind a disappearing Jason.

 

He had slept with that leather jacket for five painful days.

During the sixth, someone had opened the door of the apartment, and Tim had sighed without a sound, when he'd realized who had been nearing him. Jason had curled up around him without a word, and Tim had pullled Jason's arms tighter around himself, also without a word.

That had been their first night together.

Only holding each other, without words. Nothing sexual, nothing pink-cloud-romantic.

 

It had been perfect.

 

 

They had never got any closer than that night.

 

 

 

This day Tim simply had lost Jason.

He had been looking for him literally everywhere.

Now he had no clue where the other could be.

 

He felt tired.

And distressed.

 

He needed a break, to clear his mind.

 

And all this running away? It hurt.

 

Tim could see how Jason tried his best to avoid hurting him, but still....Jason never let him in. And this thought hurt.

 

 

Sometimes Tim could feel his exhaustion in his bones. All his tasks, all the roles he had to play, all the work he had to manage to do on an efficient level....

This life needed, demanded so much from him...

 

He hadn't ever told anyone, but he had realized, a long time ago, how much he needed... _something_ to help him, and keep him going.

 

That 'something' hadn't been easy to figure out for himself.

 

Until it had been.

 

He'd needed.....Jason. Or at least the thing Tim had hoped so much to build up with him.

 

And they still didn't have it. Not even a part of it.

 

And Tim's very heart ached thanks to this sad fact. A fact, which looked, sounded, felt like....cold, poisonous ash.

 

  
  
 _I came across a fallen tree_  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

 

 

 

Somehow he knew that he was stupid. His whole plan had been stupid from the beginning. There had never been anything to guarantee that Jason would be, could be interested.

And, although Jason often behaved like an interested guy, only to a certain point.   
And being interested didn't mean love, or a relationship, or a promise of a wonderful future.

 

Tim slowly turned around.

 

Gotham was right in front of him, the dazzling lights giving the city a certain beauty. The one they all loved. Even if all of them knew perfectly well how traitorous this beaty was. Had been, always.

 

Today, he couldn't see it anything but...fake. Empty. Worthless.

Yes, the city was filled with places where something had happened between him and Jason. Good and bad, big and small, sweet and bloody. Memories upon memories, giving more depth to Gotham's lights and shadows than anything else could ever.

 

Still, without any chance to believe that there could be a future there for them too, not just the past.....Tim's mind couldn't care less about Gotham's beauty.

 

 

  
  
 _Oh simple thing where have you gone?_  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

 

Was it that bad to wish for love? To crave the attention and caring of somebody important? Or Tim was blind and stupid to see and understand that he still wasn't enough, after all his struggle?!

 

He needed a base to build his life up with it's help. Or rebuild it.

And he wanted a good life.

One where he wasn't so tired all the time.

 

He needed to start a new life. Needed it.

 

 

And he just....couldn't see how to keep chasing Jason, with a hope in his heart which could be...totally pointless.

He had trusted in his gut feeling about a relationship with Jason. That it would be the answer for everything. It would help him with that life-restarting. It would make everything better.

 

He had been absolutely sure about one thing. That he would be able to rely on Jason. He had only needed to help Jason see how good they could be for each other.

Tim had believed with his whole being in this...

It had been so simple. Make Jason accept that he could not live alone through his whole life (And why should he??? He was perfect for Tim!), and they could live together happily-ever-after.

 

 

Nothing was simple.   
And Tim was exhausted, thanks to being clueless about Jason. Whatever he tried, they were always back on square one.

And now his doubts were making him question _everything_.

 

He didn't have.....anything.

 

  
  
 _And if you have a minute why don't we go_  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know?

 

 

Someone landed behind him on the rooftop, making him swirl around, all his thoughts banished from his mind in a sec to help him have crystal-clear concentration.

 

Jason looked back at him (hood totally missing) with unsure eyes.

 

„Jay” Tim breathed out, relief flooding over his whole brain. He could only get closer by one step, then Jason moved back „Whatthe...?”

„I....I'm here...well...you see....” Jason was looking everywhere now, but not even close to Tim's eyes. And the younger one's blood turned into ice. This couldn't mean anything good....

„You're throwing me away” Tim whispered. He couldn't speak normally. He couldn't move. Not even flinch. His cape danced with the wind, but that was the only motion around Tim.

Jason's eyes widened behind the domino, but Tim could see it.

„What?? Wait....Wha....what?!” he choked out, and now the both of them stared at the other with horror and confusion.

„That's what you want? Tell me...It's okay....” Tim said softly, forcing himself to not sound a monster. Because he wanted to be one in that moment. A strong, merciless one, who simply wouldn't let the other go, wouldn't let the other break up, wouldn't let his _love_ disappear.

„No....No...I....No... _Tim_....” Jason at first just choked out some pathetic words, but at the end, when he said Tim's name, he whimpered softly, then shook his head with closed eyes, and started to back up. It was so fucked up from him to come here!!

A hand grabbed his jacket, not letting him move an inch further. And before he could realize what was happening, Jason was yanked away from the edge, then arms found their way around him, holding him like steel cables.

He gasped for breath, then slowly turned his head to stare down into Tim's hurt, worried, almost wounded eyes.

„Talk to me. Talk! You can tell me whatever it is. Everything! I am here. I am listening. I am here for you! Just start talking!” Quiet, yet so powerful words, almost perfectly concealing how shaken Tim was. Almost. And Jason knew him enough to understand that...it was just _not_ _right_ , to...take away more from Tim.

But still....Tim's voice was soft. Smoothing down all the spikes of Jason's soul. He couldn't do anything but let it calm him down.

 

 

  
 __  
Oh simple thing where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

 

 

One shaky breath, a worried glance out to the water, then he started mumbling. He had to.

„I'm sorry....For everything I am. With you...I'm sorry....I know it...okay? I know, I know, I know! I know all the fucked-up things I did, and keep on doing! When I leave you, I....Oh, God, Tim....Tim!......This is all...so wrong...I am wrong, and I try, I try so hard to...become someone else, a better one, but it's a mess! A crazy mess, my mind is hazy, often I can't even understand why you are with me, what I should do...Hell! I want to do the right thing...I want to....I want to...shiiiit.......”

Jason was gasping for air, eyes squeezed shut, like he was fighthing with something horrible inside. He knew he didn't make any sense, but after he started speaking, he couldn't stop. He tried to tell Tim the truth...Tried desperately.

An arm let him go, and a hand touched his face slowly. Jason's eyes opened and he stared at Tim with disbelief.

„You are scared” said a soft, distant voice, and Tim's calculating gaze held his easily.

„I don't want to ruin....everything...” he answered with a hoarse voice. Tim's hand was slowly caressing his face, the cool gaze searching for something in him relentlessly.

„This could be so simple, Jay...Why can't you see it?” and now there was pain in the soft, collected voice, and Jason shuddered.

„Do you want me...to leave?” he whispered.

Tim's eyes hardened at that.

„We just started speaking! Of course not!”

„I didn't mean....just tonight” he choked out, and then saw Tim's eyes widening, something running through them, and Jason felt...hollow...It was time to go...He stepped back to slip into the night...

And the arm still around his body didn't let him.

„I...don't understand” Tim mumbled, confusion written all over his face. Then he snapped „Jason, what is wrong with you?! I just can't...really, honestly, can't understand this! Explain it to me! You came to me! So it's safe to say: you care about me! I did everything I could think about these months to show you that I care about you too, and I want to be with you! So, tell me, please, for the love of God, what the fuck?! Why do you plan to leave, just ten minutes after your arrival? You started speaking, finally!!!! And I am here, listening, then you just....you just...ask me if I want you to leave me?! I am tired of this shit, Jason! You have no idea how tired I am! So help me to understand! Because I can't take it anymore! And no, no!” he stopped another movement to put distance between their bodies „I. Am. Not. Saying. You. Should. Leave. Fuck it, I am saying the opposite! Stay and talk to me!!! Stop running, stop disappearing, stay! I ran out of my patience! I need you! With me! I need you to be a part of this, I need your presence, I need you to be close! I needed it for a long time now, already! I am tired of your bullshitting! Stop it. And start speaking!”

At the end Tim was almost roaring with anger. He shook with it after running out of words, staring into Jason's comically wide eyes with fury.

„I am sorry...Tim, I am sorry. For real” he whispered finally. After a few seconds Jason dropped his gaze and continued „I just don't know how to be good enough....For you.....”

Tim gasped at that, but Jason continued:

„I don't want to ruin you...I don't want to infiltrate your life with...anything...bad. I'm...scared...I was...a crazy, murderous monster. Sometimes I can't understand at all why you want anything from me....I am....confused about this...And how to plan a future, with you in the picture. I often feel....like shit. Because it's selfish to wish to keep you...I don't know what to do”

Tim wrapped himself around Jason like his whole body was made from steel wires. No chance to break them apart.

„I am with you because you bring balance into my life” he said softly, simply ”I don't really understand why or how. I just know. I can....see....why are you insecure. And I find it sweet that you want to protect me so much” he said with a smile slowly appearing on his lips” But that's not what is good for me now. What would mean good, what would really do good for me is you, staying close. All this pushing away? It got on my nerves...It was a crazy, horrific, exhausting roller coaster for my mind. Please, stop doing that....”

 

 

 

 _And if you have a minute why don't we go_  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go?  
So why don't we go?

 

 

 

Jason huffed once.

'You can't be sure about....all that! And above all: I don't believe I could mean so good for you. Just...look at me! I am a school example for being mentally unstable!”

Tim anwered with a quiet growl.

„Come on! Not that! Don't behave like I don't know you at all! And don't talk to me like I am some stupid child...I know what I need. I know. So I can be sure about all that!”

Before Jason could have started another protest, Tim yanked him down and smacked their lips together. It was one of the most pathetic emotionally-groundbreaking kisses in history, but it was enough to make Jason shut up. He stared at Tim like the other suddenly grew another head.

„Just for the record....This doesn't count as our first kiss. I just wanted you to stay quiet and listen....” Tim murmured against Jason's lips, not really letting the other move away.

„And....what now?” asked Jason, a shadow of a smile hiding in his eyes.

Tim sighed and let him stand up normally.

„I want to take you back with me to my third safehouse. I want you get out of your armor, in every meaning of the word and sit down with me on that couch....with the orange flowers. I want to have a normal conversation with you, like my boyfriend. You can have tea, I can have coffee, we can have a heart-to-heart. And maybe step forward. How does it sound?”

The calculating gaze was back on full force.

Jason had no idea what to think. He'd only come here to apologize...again....Maybe earn another day....

Tim decided to take over control. And now he was a goddamn dictator, planning their lives...

 

But...he had no better idea. He had no idea what to do with this situation. And the haze of his mind and their family's disapproval seemed to be....weaker or not so close.

 

And Tim's offer wasn't that horrifying.

 

„It sounds like a plan to me” he said softly.

„Damn well it is!” nodded Tim, and let him go.

„Why the _third_ best safehouse?” asked Jason suddenly. He was truly curious. And he hated the colours there....

 

A small, warm, comforting smile appeared on Tim's face.

„I made sure that nobody knows about it's connection to me. Technically, that flat doesn't exist. That's the place with the most comfortable bed and couch, even if you hate the colours, moreover it's small and cozy, perfect for a heart-to-heart.”

„You brought me there only two weeks after your declaration about us being together!” Jason said with mild disbelief.

 

„Then....that's a good place, which only we know!” Tim said with a wink, then pulled out his grapple gun.

  
  


Tim was right. The couch was truly comfortable.

Long hours later, after their heart-to-heart, after dozens of perfect first kisses, after reaching their ends of everything: heartache, insecurity, anger, confusion, energy, concentration, stubborness, questions, answers and hopelessness.....they fell asleep on it with peace in their souls, finally - and holding each other in a tight embrace.   
  
  


  
__  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know?

  
  


 


End file.
